rewrite this title When Honesty Is Overrated in Relationships

Engler points to Gottman’s Four Horsemen—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—identified by psychologists John and Julie Gottman to describe what they call the four destructive communication patterns that often cause a relationship to break down. Contempt, criticism, and defensiveness go hand-in-hand with harsh honesty, she says. “Those things will wear somebody down to the point that they’re ready to leave,” she says. “You really can’t underestimate the damage they can do.”

Blunt-force honesty isn’t good for the person being honest in a harmful way, either, Engler adds: It keeps them from getting what they need in a relationship, and creates a dynamic in which that’s the norm.

If you’re on the receiving end of harshness dressed up as honesty, there are ways to stick up for yourself.

“One thing I tell people is to acknowledge the hurt in the moment, even by saying, ‘Ouch,’” Veilleux says. “It’s a simple little statement,” but it helps the other person understand the impact of their words. Plus, you can gauge their reaction: If they say, “Oh, yikes, I didn’t mean that,” that opens the door to a productive conversation. But if they come back with, “Well, yeah, because you hurt me first,” that’s telling, too. “Are they trying to take power?” Veilleux says. “Or are they able to receive the insight that they hurt someone unintentionally?”