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New moms eventually come up for air, in between bottle-feeding and changing diapers and wiping away their baby’s tears—or their own. And usually, the first adult they’ve spoken to in days will say something like: “Enjoy every moment! It goes by so fast!”
Run-of-the-mill pleasantry? Or a glaring example of toxic positivity? Try the latter. “It creates impossible pressure during an already overwhelming time,” says Brianna Paruolo, a therapist in New York City who hears about this scenario over and over again from new parents. These words, however well-intentioned—and they usually are—“can amplify feelings of inadequacy when a new mom isn’t enjoying sleep deprivation or postpartum recovery.”
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Parents who are simply trying to survive don’t have the time or energy to focus on savoring every moment, Paruolo points out, and that’s normal. Piling on the expectation of enjoyment is not helpful, she stresses.
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There are plenty of additional ways to stick your foot in your mouth when talking to a new parent. For starters: Never tell a new mom she’s going to “bounce back” soon, Paruolo cautions. It implies that she needs to quickly return to her pre-pregnancy body, which—in addition to being unrealistic—comes across as a dig at her current appearance.
Read More: 15 Things to Say When Someone Comments on Your Weight
Skip the questions about when a couple is “having another,” too. They tend to start popping up shockingly quickly after the first baby. “You haven’t even had a chance to breathe for two seconds, and it’s like, ‘Wait, what I already did wasn’t good enough? I have to be thinking about another?’” Paruolo says.
She also frowns at people who ask women if they had a “natural birth,” which typically means non-medicated or can refer to a vaginal delivery as opposed to a C-section. “I believe all births are natural,” Paruolo says, and suggesting otherwise can register as offensive to a new mother.
What to say instead
If you’re chatting with a new mom, prioritize open-ended questions, Paruolo advises: “How has it been so far?” That’s better than a yes-or-no question like asking if they’re enjoying parenthood, she says, which “doesn’t give them the space to say, ‘Oh, it’s been terrible,’ because they’re going to sound like the biggest jerk.”
Read More: 10 Questions to Ask Your Parents While You Still Can
Another way she likes to approach these conversations: “Tell me what your experience has been like so far. What’s something that surprised you? How are you navigating all these new responsibilities?” That gives the person you’re talking to permission to admit they’re stressed, and that it’s all a lot. “It doesn’t force somebody to be like, ‘It’s great,’” Paruolo says.
What to do if you’re on the receiving end
If you’re a new mom talking to someone who made you feel bad, imagine whatever they said as a piece of paper. “Just like you would crumple it up and toss it into the garbage can, throw away that comment,” Paruolo says. “But honor how you’re feeling as well.” Ask yourself if it’s worth putting energy into responding to someone who just isn’t going to get it; if the answer is no, you might opt to smile, nod, and move on. If you want to speak up, however, she suggests phrasing it like this: “I feel like there’s been an immense amount of pressure for motherhood to look a certain way”—and if you’re comfortable, you can even explain why things haven’t lived up to those expectations for you.
Read More: 14 Things to Say Besides ‘I Love You’
You could also simply tell your friend or acquaintance that you’d like to talk about something else. Make a joke about it, if you’d like: You’re living and breathing baby 24/7; a distraction from that would be nice. “You don’t have to go there,” Paruolo says. “It really has to do with your energy and what you want to give it to.”
Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@time.com
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